The past two weeks, I have
talked about healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships.
Assuming you want a healthy
relationship, what does that entail? How do you get there? How do you keep it
going?
Three aspects seem to
underlie all the reading I’ve done for this series of posts. Intimacy, Respect,
and Communication. Now, that reads “IRC,” but think of that acronym as a mnemonic
that will get you the opposite result.
Also remember that at the
heart, the core of any healthy relationship is trust. Attending to intimacy, respect, and communication builds
foundational trust. If you can’t trust your partner, the sex can be good, but
it won’t be enough to keep you together. But that is typically the first to go.
Consciously attend to your
relationships in these three areas, and I can almost guarantee a positive
outcome because of the trust built. Relational vigilance is required. Don’t
take anyone for granted just because you’ve been in the relationship a while.
Familiarity should breed respect, not contempt, or worse, boredom.
Intimacy
Remember that intimacy isn’t
restricted to sex. Intimacy is that deep sharing of goals, values, hopes,
fears, joys, and concerns. Date night has become a throwaway. “Oh, we’re going
to the movie for a date night.”
Think back to the early
days of your romance. Date nights were the opportunity to learn about one
another. Keep that goal throughout your time together. Sure, go to a movie, but
plan to have a dinner (or dessert) before or after to talk. Talk with a capital
T. This is your time without distractions to discuss issues. Go deep. Tell one
another what is special about the other. Share a story from before you met you
haven’t told before. Get away from talking about the kids and work, and instead
focus on your shared goals, short- and long-term.
Do the small things that
say, “I love you,” without saying the words. If heesh always scratches your
head before you go to sleep, tell shim it’s shis turn. Put little notes where heesh’ll
find them unexpectedly. Do a task the other person normally does, like the
dishes or taking out the trash. Buy a tiny gift that has meaning for the two of
you, like earplugs because you snore.
Oh, yeah, and as to sex? Do
it. Often. And vigorously. And enthusiastically. Each partner should initiate
the contact.
Respect
You can’t respect others
unless you respect yourself. A good sense of self is important in healthy
relationships. And showing not telling, as is the mantra in writing, is more
powerful than saying, “Of course I respect you.”
Respectful couples don’t
denigrate one another in public or private. Respectful couples encourage the
goals and achievements of their partners, but they are there to give support
needed when things don’t work out. They never say, “I told you so.”
By the same token,
respectful couples value the achievements of the partner and proudly let others
know of the accomplishments. They never try to downplay achievements.
Respectful couples honor
the ways in which each is different as well as alike. They urge on exploration
of separate interests. They celebrate their diversity for the new perspectives
they bring to shared experiences.
Respectful couples pay
attention so they know what the partner needs in situations and they act on
their insights.
Communication
Is there anything new to be
said on this topic? We all know how important clear and frequent communication
is. And we all know the trope that “ Men are from Mars, . . . “ blah blah.
There is truth to be found here
even if the message is an old one.
Assumptions make an ass out
of you and me. Remember that one? Tell shim what you want, what you feel, what
you think. Mindreading has never been a reliable source of information.
“He ought to know.” “She’s
seen me do it a hundred times.” Umm. Right. But heesh doesn’t know, right? So just say the words, respectfully, of
course, to get your thoughts, wishes, hopes, fears across to your significant
other. You’ll both be happier when the message is clearly sent and received.
Of course, for us writers,
building story lines around trust, intimacy, respect, and communication is what
we’re all about, both successful and unsuccessful relationships.
Bloggers count on readers
like you to bring in more readers. If you would share, there are two prepared
messages for you to copy and paste to social media. Thanks so much!
Facebook:
What are the four components to create and maintain a healthy relationship? Writers
use them all the time as major book themes. See if you agree with Sharon Arthur
Moore that these are the four. http://bit.ly/2BEC94a
Twitter:
#Writers, how well do you use these four components to build relationships in
your books? @RomanceRighter shares what’s in the literature. #amwriting http://bit.ly/2BEC94a
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