Are you in, have you been
in, do you know someone in an unhealthy romantic relationship? Join the crowd.
We’ve all been there at some time. Not still
being there is a sign of growth and health. Healthy relationships are
interdependent not co-dependent. Last week I laid out signs of a healthy relationship, and now we go into the other end of the continuum.
Recognizing an unhealthy
relationship and getting out is the sign of a healthy adult. Healthy adults
want, need, and deserve healthy relationships, but getting out of an unhealthy
one can be difficult to do. You might be thinking romantic relationships, but
sometimes unhealthy relationships are with relatives. Those might be even
trickier to get out of.
Let’s assume for purposes
of this particular post, that the unhealthy relationship is not dangerous. That
you don’t need an order of protection or something similar. Let’s just deal
today with your run-of-the-mill “this isn’t working” relationship. First, what
is an “unhealthy relationship” with a Significant Other?
In my research into this
topic, I found that unhealthy relationships tend to fall into xxx categories:
identity, denigration, trust, emotional support, respect, negative influence, and
avoidance.
Identity:
In an unhealthy relationship, you’ve lost your sense of self. Your partner may
be trying to isolate you from others, change you into who you are not, or downplay
your successes. Does your SO insist shis ideas are more important, more right than
yours? You should always feel better about yourself in a relationship, not
worse. Does your partner dismiss your interests or talents?
Denigration: Making the other person feel bad about shimself, whether through
bullying, telling you you’re stupid, body shaming, or making you do things you’re
ashamed of, are all negative behaviors. Does heesh make fun of you to friends
or family? The same arguments resurface over and over. You don’t do those
things to people you love.
Trust:
If the partner is unfaithful, that is breaking the most important bond. Or even
if the partner isn’t unfaithful but acts in ways that cause a lack of trust,
you should be wary. Healthy relationships demonstrate a security in the
relationship. Are you always thinking things are about to end? Does your
partner lie to you?
Emotional Support: Whether what is going on in your life is good, bad, or ugly, your SO
has to be there for you. You turn to each other first in a healthy
relationship, not others. If you don’t turn to shim first, why not? Does your
SO dismiss your fears, anxieties, concerns as unimportant or trivial? Is heesh
available to talk when you need to? Do you or your partner blame the other for
problems?
Respect:
If you and your ideas are not respected, not necessarily agreed with, than
there is something wrong. Does our partner only seem to value you for one thing
(financial support, sex, etc.)? Do you share the same values? Do you respect
your SO’s viewpoints and stances and actions?
Negative Influence: A healthy relationship cheers on each other to be
the best that each can be. If your SO leads you into drugs, smoking, excessive
drinking, illegal activities, activities that make you feel bad about yourself,
then that’s not healthy. If you can’t identify any positive influences, this is
not a healthy relationship.
Avoidance:
Do you or your partner avoid coming home, not viewing it as a nurturing, safe
place? Would you rather spend your discretionary time with someone other than
your SO?
Are you considering
breaking up? Breaking up is more of emotional process than a physical one. Why
now? What’s changed? What will you do after the break-up? Do you have a plan
for where to live and how to live? What will you do differently without your SO
in your life?
If it’s time to get out of
an unhealthy relationship, quick, non-emotional, and firm are your key words.
Don’t break up during an
emotional upheaval, nor should you plan a special dinner to soften the blow.
Both send a muddled message.
In a neutral setting, state
that the relationship is over because you find that your goals for the future
are not matching. Past experiences have provided many examples of your
incompatibility. Pick a few and without judgmental language use them to make
your point. Use “I” statements to avoid blame-language. Choose the least
abrasive of the reasons for leaving so that you keep it as unemotional as
possible.
“I’ve come to realize that
we need to go our separate ways. There are few things we enjoy together, and I
want to spend more time on some of my interests. Recently, I found that I’m
happier when I spend more time with my friends. And, no, it’s not negotiable.
This is final. Let’s each go out and enjoy our lives.”
Don’t bring up old
arguments or irritations. Don’t draw it out. Don’t get pulled into a defense.
Just leave. Surgical. Clean. Clear.
Did you find this post
interesting and/or helpful? If so, please share with others.
Facebook:
“Breaking up is hard to do” goes the old song. Angelica French’s post gives
guidelines for when and how to leave an unhealthy relationship. http://bit.ly/2j3eQcz
Twitter:
unhealthy #relationships need to end. @RomanceRighter gives help for when to
leave and how. http://bit.ly/2j3eQcz
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