I regularly read and enjoy Karen Chilton Wilder's blog, "Girl on a Wire", and so I was delighted when she agreed to appear on "Romance Righter". "Type" was originally posted on her blog and was very popular, so we thought you would enjoy it, too! Welcome, Karen!
What
could the dating experiences of little old me - a 40-something, recently
divorced mom - possibly have in common with those of a 23 year old gay man?
As it
turns out, quite a bit.
In
fact, as it turns out, gay men and straight men may have far more in common
with one another than either group might like to admit. A recent chat
with my friend Kyle had us both in stitches over the “types” we’ve discovered
in the course of our (mis)adventures in dating.
A
sampling:
·
The Pretty Boy. I can’t go out with this guy because his hair
always looks better than mine. Ditto for Kyle (and really, this is a
crime, because Kyle has fabulous hair). Ladies and gents, if it walks like a
Ken doll, talks like a Ken doll, and never met a mirror it wasn’t ready to make
love to, it’s likely The Pretty Boy you’re dealing with. Nice arm candy,
but be warned: he’s only got enough love for himself.
·
The Clooney. This is a tough one. Dashingly handsome,
but with serious talent and substance to boot. Has avoided commitment
thus far, but causes everyone he comes into contact with to swoon in hopes of
being ‘The One.’ But let’s get real, kids. How many of us are truly
in a class with Amal? Keep your head on straight. Your skivvies,
too.
·
The Pious One. Maybe he’s an actual pillar of his particular
religious community. Maybe he’s just religious in his devotion to yoga,
meditation, or his vegan diet. But this is the man who gets you singing
‘Son of a Preacher Man’ in the shower and has you swearing you’ll
convert. You know - right up until the religious exclamations at romantic
moments throw a wet blanket over your desire. Put down the Kool
Aid. You know he’s gonna dump you for a blonde with family money anyway.
·
The Trust Fund Brat. Speaking of family money… This
is that delightfully soft, sweet guy - the one with wild stories, sparkling
eyes, and a prep school past. He’s the one you fall for
immediately. And it’s mutual. The problem? He comes with more
strings attached than a marionette, and at the end of each is a family member
so horrific only monarchies are creepier. Give it a whirl - but keep scissors
and running shoes handy.
·
The Life of the Party. This is the guy whose dating site
profile lists him as “fun loving” and features an adult beverage in every
photo. It’s also sort of silly that he even has a dating site profile at
all, since Tinder is more his style. If you’re looking to wake up
bruised, hung-over and naked on a yacht you don’t remember boarding, this is
the guy for you. Otherwise? Not so much.
·
The Strong & Silent. Oh, this one’s a doozy. He’s
handsome. Mysterious. Says more with a glance than he ever does
with those sultry lips of his. And you know what? It’s because he’s
got nothin’. There’s either not a whole lot going on between those lovely
ears, or he has some terrible, soul-deep scars that prevent him from expressing
himself. You’d do better dating the Dos Equis guy. At least he
comes with a script.
·
The Momma’s Boy. This man-child starts out looking
great (He’s so
good to his mother! So respectful! So deferent! What’s not to
like?),
but eventually he makes Norman Bates seem rational. His mommy’s got him
convinced that he’s Special…and no one is good enough for her boy. Are you
deluded enough to think you are? She’ll spare no effort in slowly,
painfully proving you wrong. And your Prince Charming? Don’t wait
for him to come to your rescue. There isn’t even a problem. There
couldn’t be. His momma can do no wrong. Advice? Run.
Just run. For fuck’s sake, run now.
We
identified a couple of notable others (God’s Gift, The Wandering Penis), but as these types seemed to
overlap a bit with those detailed above, I’ll leave them to your imagination.
As
for me and Kyle, we have no idea why we’re still single.
After
all, we’re perfectly pleasant in every way… ;)
k.c. wilder is the author of the Amazon bestselling
chick lit novel Fifty Ways to Leave Your Husband, the Heather
Hollow series
of YA paranormal fiction, the novella Seattle Postmark, and the short fiction trio Wrecks. She also proudly contributed the short
story 'The Mermaid' to Merry Chick Lit, a compilation with all proceeds benefiting
breast cancer nonprofit Rocking the Road for a Cure. Her short story 'Lady in Red'
appeared in A Kind of Mad Courage, with all proceeds benefiting The
Guthy-Jackson Charitable Foundation. Her work has appeared in The Providence Journal, Grace: A Magazine for Women, EspressoFiction, and Glimmer Train.
Buy
link for Fifty Ways to Leave Your Husband:
Buy link for Seattle
Postmark:
This is funny. I've totally dated The Life of the Party and The Strong and Silent and regretted both. I learned to avoid The Pretty Boy a long time ago :).
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