Relationships with Other Significant Others

The focus in my mind for the last several weeks of blog posts here have been about healthy romantic relationships. I kept that focus as I dug into the research. Even though I said that the points refer to relationships, not just romantic ones, I still lasered in on romantic data and my notes were biased toward romantic relationships.

However, other relationships in your life are as critical as the romantic ones. This post will focus on significant others who are friends or family.

Generally speaking, the same criteria apply: Is the other person supportive of you and helps you be your best self? Is the other person someone you trust? Can you say anything, talk about anything, and resolve issues through discussion? Does mutual respect underlie your relationship and interactions?

If not, “Houston, we’ve got a problem.”

If the person you’re having difficulty with is a parent, sibling, or child, very different dynamics are in play. Especially with parents and siblings, there is so much history, family patterns, and baggage that separating the current interaction problems from the past can muddy the waters. Old arguments and resentments surface, or worse, lurk below the surface and taint the attempts to communicate and resolve issues.

With children the complications of changing roles from dependence to independence creates its own kind of friction. Each person remembers past connections and it’s hard to let go of them as you and your child mature. That plays out, in reverse, with your own parents.

How does one navigate familial shoals? The best advice can be summarized with these suggestions for approaching a family member/friend with the intent to start anew and erase old patterns of interaction.

1)   First make sure you are in a good place before tackling what will be an emotional encounter. That could mean getting your support team (of friends or allied family members) to reinforce you before the encounter.

2)   Plan how you will confront the person and identify“I” statements to keep the discussion on a less emotional level and not sound like fault-finding. Also “I” statements are assertions so your perspective is represented positively.

3)   And thus, you need to listen to what the other person is saying and not fall into old patterns of response. Listening is key to understanding.

4)   Before the encounter, identify the person’s positive traits so you can mention them as a way to soften the potential harshness of your encounter. Don’t go in with an attitude of trying to change the negative traits. This encounter is about setting acceptable boundaries for future interactions. The only person you can change is yourself.

5)   Stand up for yourself. Silence implies consent. If someone makes statements you find inaccurate or cutting, speak up. If someone is intruding on your boundaries, let them know. Use “I” statements here, too.

6)   Concede an area to the person. If your mother-in-law wants to take care of your children every day (because she thinks you don’t know how), give her two mornings.

7)   Stay calm. Quietness can help de-escalate volatility. To quote a former First Lady, “When they go low, we go high.” When you get quieter, they will not yell (or at least not as loudly).

8)   Don’t be “guilted” into resuming the status quo. Stand pat on your boundaries.

Even with a positive encounter to try to resolve issues, there are times when it seems severing relationships might be best. And that could be true, but it is the last step one should take. Only after many attempts at coming at the relationship from a different angle, different approach, different mindset, should one step away from these close relationships. However, if after trying the suggestions in previous posts about how to navigate the relationship doesn’t work, then stepping away and making a break might be the best thing for your mental and/or physical health.

Remember the old Dear Abby question, in relation to “should I divorce him?” “Would you be better off without him,” she asked.

If you can unqualifiedly answer yes to that, then maybe it is time to sever the connection. If the person always makes you feel worse in shis presence, then maybe it’s time to break up with your mother/father/sister/brother/cousin/BFF.

If your life isn’t better after the break-up, maybe it wasn’t the toxicity of the other person after all. Perhaps you need to work on making yourself happier and then try to repair your other relationships. Self-reflection and honest communication with yourself underlies any successful relationship with others.

See you next year!

Please tell others about this post if you found it helpful.

Facebook: Should you sever relationships with family or friends if you find them toxic? Maybe. http://bit.ly/2zf8PM5

Twitter: @RomanceRighter asks, “Should you sever relationships with others if you find them toxic? Maybe.” http://bit.ly/2zf8PM5

Happy Holidays and Why I Say It

I write this greeting because I have friends from so many traditions that Merry Christmas isn’t appropriate for all, and how I am to know what holidays they celebrate unless they tell me. Since there are 29 holiday celebrations between November 1^st and January 15^th, it makes perfect sense to be more inclusive with the “Happy Holidays” saying. How that is taking away from Christmas escapes me!

Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, Festivus, or any of the other seasonal holidays, I wish you a safe and joyous one!

Four Components in Creating Healthy Relationships

The past two weeks, I have talked about healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships.

Assuming you want a healthy relationship, what does that entail? How do you get there? How do you keep it going?

Three aspects seem to underlie all the reading I’ve done for this series of posts. Intimacy, Respect, and Communication. Now, that reads “IRC,” but think of that acronym as a mnemonic that will get you the opposite result.

Also remember that at the heart, the core of any healthy relationship is trust. Attending to intimacy, respect, and communication builds foundational trust. If you can’t trust your partner, the sex can be good, but it won’t be enough to keep you together. But that is typically the first to go.

Consciously attend to your relationships in these three areas, and I can almost guarantee a positive outcome because of the trust built. Relational vigilance is required. Don’t take anyone for granted just because you’ve been in the relationship a while. Familiarity should breed respect, not contempt, or worse, boredom.

Intimacy

Remember that intimacy isn’t restricted to sex. Intimacy is that deep sharing of goals, values, hopes, fears, joys, and concerns. Date night has become a throwaway. “Oh, we’re going to the movie for a date night.”

Think back to the early days of your romance. Date nights were the opportunity to learn about one another. Keep that goal throughout your time together. Sure, go to a movie, but plan to have a dinner (or dessert) before or after to talk. Talk with a capital T. This is your time without distractions to discuss issues. Go deep. Tell one another what is special about the other. Share a story from before you met you haven’t told before. Get away from talking about the kids and work, and instead focus on your shared goals, short- and long-term.

Do the small things that say, “I love you,” without saying the words. If heesh always scratches your head before you go to sleep, tell shim it’s shis turn. Put little notes where heesh’ll find them unexpectedly. Do a task the other person normally does, like the dishes or taking out the trash. Buy a tiny gift that has meaning for the two of you, like earplugs because you snore.

Oh, yeah, and as to sex? Do it. Often. And vigorously. And enthusiastically. Each partner should initiate the contact.

Respect

You can’t respect others unless you respect yourself. A good sense of self is important in healthy relationships. And showing not telling, as is the mantra in writing, is more powerful than saying, “Of course I respect you.”

Respectful couples don’t denigrate one another in public or private. Respectful couples encourage the goals and achievements of their partners, but they are there to give support needed when things don’t work out. They never say, “I told you so.”

By the same token, respectful couples value the achievements of the partner and proudly let others know of the accomplishments. They never try to downplay achievements.

Respectful couples honor the ways in which each is different as well as alike. They urge on exploration of separate interests. They celebrate their diversity for the new perspectives they bring to shared experiences.

Respectful couples pay attention so they know what the partner needs in situations and they act on their insights.

Communication

Is there anything new to be said on this topic? We all know how important clear and frequent communication is. And we all know the trope that “ Men are from Mars, . . . “ blah blah.

There is truth to be found here even if the message is an old one.

Assumptions make an ass out of you and me. Remember that one? Tell shim what you want, what you feel, what you think. Mindreading has never been a reliable source of information.

“He ought to know.” “She’s seen me do it a hundred times.” Umm. Right. But heesh doesn’t know, right? So just say the words, respectfully, of course, to get your thoughts, wishes, hopes, fears across to your significant other. You’ll both be happier when the message is clearly sent and received.

Of course, for us writers, building story lines around trust, intimacy, respect, and communication is what we’re all about, both successful and unsuccessful relationships.

Bloggers count on readers like you to bring in more readers. If you would share, there are two prepared messages for you to copy and paste to social media. Thanks so much!

Facebook: What are the four components to create and maintain a healthy relationship? Writers use them all the time as major book themes. See if you agree with Sharon Arthur Moore that these are the four. http://bit.ly/2BEC94a

Twitter: #Writers, how well do you use these four components to build relationships in your books? @RomanceRighter shares what’s in the literature. #amwriting http://bit.ly/2BEC94a

How to Exit an Unhealthy Relationship

Are you in, have you been in, do you know someone in an unhealthy romantic relationship? Join the crowd. We’ve all been there at some time. Not still being there is a sign of growth and health. Healthy relationships are interdependent not co-dependent. Last week I laid out signs of a healthy relationship, and now we go into the other end of the continuum.

Recognizing an unhealthy relationship and getting out is the sign of a healthy adult. Healthy adults want, need, and deserve healthy relationships, but getting out of an unhealthy one can be difficult to do. You might be thinking romantic relationships, but sometimes unhealthy relationships are with relatives. Those might be even trickier to get out of.

Let’s assume for purposes of this particular post, that the unhealthy relationship is not dangerous. That you don’t need an order of protection or something similar. Let’s just deal today with your run-of-the-mill “this isn’t working” relationship. First, what is an “unhealthy relationship” with a Significant Other?

In my research into this topic, I found that unhealthy relationships tend to fall into xxx categories: identity, denigration, trust, emotional support, respect, negative influence, and avoidance.

Identity: In an unhealthy relationship, you’ve lost your sense of self. Your partner may be trying to isolate you from others, change you into who you are not, or downplay your successes. Does your SO insist shis ideas are more important, more right than yours? You should always feel better about yourself in a relationship, not worse. Does your partner dismiss your interests or talents?

Denigration: Making the other person feel bad about shimself, whether through bullying, telling you you’re stupid, body shaming, or making you do things you’re ashamed of, are all negative behaviors. Does heesh make fun of you to friends or family? The same arguments resurface over and over. You don’t do those things to people you love.

Trust: If the partner is unfaithful, that is breaking the most important bond. Or even if the partner isn’t unfaithful but acts in ways that cause a lack of trust, you should be wary. Healthy relationships demonstrate a security in the relationship. Are you always thinking things are about to end? Does your partner lie to you?

Emotional Support: Whether what is going on in your life is good, bad, or ugly, your SO has to be there for you. You turn to each other first in a healthy relationship, not others. If you don’t turn to shim first, why not? Does your SO dismiss your fears, anxieties, concerns as unimportant or trivial? Is heesh available to talk when you need to? Do you or your partner blame the other for problems?

Respect: If you and your ideas are not respected, not necessarily agreed with, than there is something wrong. Does our partner only seem to value you for one thing (financial support, sex, etc.)? Do you share the same values? Do you respect your SO’s viewpoints and stances and actions?

Negative Influence: A healthy relationship cheers on each other to be the best that each can be. If your SO leads you into drugs, smoking, excessive drinking, illegal activities, activities that make you feel bad about yourself, then that’s not healthy. If you can’t identify any positive influences, this is not a healthy relationship.

Avoidance: Do you or your partner avoid coming home, not viewing it as a nurturing, safe place? Would you rather spend your discretionary time with someone other than your SO?

Are you considering breaking up? Breaking up is more of emotional process than a physical one. Why now? What’s changed? What will you do after the break-up? Do you have a plan for where to live and how to live? What will you do differently without your SO in your life?

If it’s time to get out of an unhealthy relationship, quick, non-emotional, and firm are your key words.

Don’t break up during an emotional upheaval, nor should you plan a special dinner to soften the blow. Both send a muddled message.

In a neutral setting, state that the relationship is over because you find that your goals for the future are not matching. Past experiences have provided many examples of your incompatibility. Pick a few and without judgmental language use them to make your point. Use “I” statements to avoid blame-language. Choose the least abrasive of the reasons for leaving so that you keep it as unemotional as possible.

“I’ve come to realize that we need to go our separate ways. There are few things we enjoy together, and I want to spend more time on some of my interests. Recently, I found that I’m happier when I spend more time with my friends. And, no, it’s not negotiable. This is final. Let’s each go out and enjoy our lives.”

Don’t bring up old arguments or irritations. Don’t draw it out. Don’t get pulled into a defense. Just leave. Surgical. Clean. Clear.

Did you find this post interesting and/or helpful? If so, please share with others.

Facebook: “Breaking up is hard to do” goes the old song. Angelica French’s post gives guidelines for when and how to leave an unhealthy relationship. http://bit.ly/2j3eQcz

Twitter: unhealthy #relationships need to end. @RomanceRighter gives help for when to leave and how. http://bit.ly/2j3eQcz