He left last Thursday morning. The nights are the worst. He
used to read in bed, scratch my head, and I would massage his foot. Those were
the good times. Now, I am left alone in a king bed, still sleeping on “my
side”, not daring to sleep in the middle lest I get used to it.
But this is good.
He’s off for a week on one of his rafting/canoeing trips
exploring rivers and canyons he hasn’t been to yet. He is having a swell time.
Me, too. I have breakfasts and lunches with friends and
watch movies and TV shows he hates. And I can scatter the contents of drawers I
am reorganizing all over the place. He hates messes. And I hate having to clean
up a project before I finish it. See how perfect this is!
One absolutely critical key to having the kind of
relationship we have is that we have our separate interests. We each give the
other space to pursue those interests. We’re kind of a two-circleVenn Diagram.
He has his interests and pursuits. I have mine. And there
are a whole bunch of things in the intersection that we enjoy together. (Sorry
I couldn’t figure out how to draw a Venn Diagram, and none of the onlines ones I found could be copied here.)
Research and common sense articles about what makes
relationships work almost always include this one: You are happier together if you
are both strong, independent people who function very well without the other.
If you are clingy, desperate to mop up every drop of her
attention, it will wear thin. If all you can talk about are the experiences
you’ve shared, you are boring. She’ll be outta there!
If she clings to you, smothers your individuality, controls
your movements and interactions, you’ll feel stifled. You want to say to her,
“Get a life!”
The most successful people in life and in relationships are
those who can go off on their own and develop side interests, skills, hobbies,
and friends. Then, when appropriate, and you rejoin for a shared experience,
you have things to talk about and demonstrate.
When I was in high school, prepping for my first date, I
distinctly remember the panic I felt when wondering what we would talk about
for three hours! (That’s why so many first dates are at the movies. Pressure is
off for most of the three hours.)
Then my mind went to THE FUTURE. Someday, I’d likely marry.
As I intended to stay married, I started wondering what ever would we find to
talk about for 50+ years? Funny, eh? Only it wasn’t at the time.
I didn’t realize then that my own insatiable curiosity about
learning, my wide-ranging reading interests, and my basic personality which caused
me to seek crowds of different kinds of people, were two of the reasons I would
never have trouble carrying on conversations over years of being together.
It was that strength of identity, among other things, that
got DH’s attention. He had only been with dependent, clingy women, so I was a
relief. He didn’t have to babysit me at parties. In fact, he’d come looking for
me after a while just so we could have some time together.
There’s a caveat (isn’t there always?) with being
independent and self-confident. IF the couple doesn’t make time for
togetherness, plan shared experiences, allow for quiet reflective time in one
another’s company, they may grow so far apart that they no longer remember why
they got together in the first place. You’ve heard of the fear when couples
contemplate the “empty nest syndrome”. They wonder, just as when they were
teens, whatever will they find to talk about.
So, go off. Explore your interests and ideas. Develop new
skills and hobbies. But be sure to plan frequent date nights and to have
togetherness routines like a before-dinner glass of wine each night. Be the
strong, independent, interesting person you can be. And then share your growth
with the one who brings the most color to your life.
Next week, Romance Righter hosts J.L. Greger writing about “Relationships Sell.” Please stop in to see what she has for
you!
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