My heroine, Carrie, in Streetwalker has commitment issues.
And so does my hero. That makes for a very difficult relationship.
Carrie doesn’t trust any man since she thinks she is only
"tits and ass" to them. And she made her living based on that presumption for a
good many years.
Harlan is a sex addict. Not officially recognized by the
DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), sex addiction
has been tossed around for years as a possible syndrome that merits inclusion.
Psychiatrists are split on whether sex addiction is an official syndrome or a
manifestation of a syndrome, like obsessive-compulsive disorder.
So you put together someone who doesn’t want to be touched
with someone who has to be touching everyone, and, well, you see the problem.
If I were Carrie’s psychologist, I’d be advising her to take
some advice from the research. Harlan’s issues notwithstanding, this couple can
make it. They love each other but they don’t communicate about feelings,
issues, desires. Their conversations are relatively superficial.
So, as an unofficial family counselor, here’s what Angelica
French says the research says about staying together once you get together.
Relationships are like gardens. You can’t neglect them. You must
prune away the dead stuff and the weeds. You must feed and water them. Watch
your relationship for signs of disease or blight, then apply the proper fix.
You can’t neglect
your relationship.
In the early stages of your relationship, you were very attentive
and supportive. You cared about what you looked like and how you were coming
across. Now some of that was over the top. You reallllly wanted him to like you
more. You worried she would break off the relationship. So while you have a
comfort level with your SO now, there should always be some slight tension leftover from those early days of doing and
being your best, even now.
Taking someone’s affection and attention for granted is a
potential road to heartache. Make serious and regular efforts to show your
partner that you really want to be with him/her, and you are appreciative of
the relationship you have.
Prune away the dead
stuff and weeds.
All relationships have detritus after while. It’s like
outgrown shirts or worn out shoes. Take a look at your relationship and see if
you’ve outgrown something now that your relationship is firming up. Do you
really want to go clubbing every weekend night? Maybe you do, but examine the
relationship’s patterns of activities, interactions, and friendships and consciously
re-choose them, together.
Are you getting into a rut with movie-and-a-show? Why not
mix it up with a picnic in the park where there’s an outdoor movie showing? Do
you always go to a particular friend’s house for card games? Why not meet instead
once in a while at a game store that has a game night? Boredom kills
relationships, so keep it fresh.
“Feed and water” your
relationship.
Too much togetherness can stifle a relationship, however.
You’ll each have more to talk about if you each have a wide circle of friends
and interests. Read and talk about what you’re reading. Watch out for
competitiveness and instead aim for a collaborative relationship. Be
spontaneous and not always predictable--in a good way--to add a little extra
nourishment to the relationship.
Meet your partner at a coffee shop, excuse yourself to go to
the bathroom, give a note to a waiter telling your partner where to meet you
next, and then disappear. Head to the next stop and do the same thing. Keep
him/her guessing about how you might bring some pop into your relationship.
Watch for
relationship blight.
While you shouldn’t overanalyze a relationship, you should
pay attention. There are always warning signs that things are going south.
Always. The people who say they were blindsided simply missed or misread the
clues. Maybe your partner isn’t as physically affectionate as early on. Find
out why. Free, easy, frequent communication is one of the surest ways to nip
blight. There should be nothing off limits for discussion, ever. If there is,
are you sure this is THE ONE?
If your partner begins spending unusual amounts of time away
from you, there are problems. If you notice avoidance of topics you could
always talk about, there are problems. If you are being controlled/criticized/isolated/blamed
there are serious problems to work on. If you feel jealous or needy, start
working on the problem. If one of you is cheating or wants to … uh, oh!
Relationships are both fragile and durable, resilient and
vulnerable. Let me mix metaphors here. Building a strong foundation allows the
relationship to take some storm lashings, but without keeping up regular
maintenance and needed repairs, the house will crumble over time. Keep your
house a mansion; don’t let it become a ruin.
Need a last minute gift for someone who likes erotic romance? There's always Streetwalker!
Here are a few of the
resources I used for some additional reading:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/6-signs-partner-secretly-unhappy-224700244.html
http://www.upworthy.com/8-warning-signs-of-a-relationship-gone-horribly-wrong?g=2&c=upw1
http://shine.yahoo.com/dailyshot/five-big-relationship-mistakes-154717218.html?vp=1
http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Long-Term-Relationship
http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=9492&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1483956
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