Wednesday, October 30, 2013


I hear from my friends that the dating scene is no more fun now, in fact, much worse, than our angst-ridden teen times. Holy cow!

And to hear some tell it, it is much, much worse. There is still the appearance-thing, the confidence-thing, will-he-call-me thing, and the how/when-do-we-escalate-this thing. Those anxieties are givens at any age. But for adults, it’s also complicated by the who-pays-for-what thing and who-gets-the-door thing. Honest.

When Lil’ Bro began dating again after his wife died, we had many a talk. His date wanted to pay sometimes. She wanted to open her own door if she happened to be there first. Stuff like that. He had some out-moded notion (well, he hadn’t dated for 40 years) that guys were supposed to do it all. I told him it was the 21st century and to get with the program.

Sure, it’s nice to open the door of the restaurant, but not if it’s awkward reaching around and nearly crushing her to get to it first. Let her open the damn door. She’s not that delicate, I hope. I open the door if I get there first, and then let the other person--male, female, indeterminate--go through. That is common sense. And polite.

Same with paying. Why, why, why should guys always have to fork over the cash? Especially with women of a certain age (ahem, my friends, I mean). They’ve got enough money to pay for their own food. So splitting the cost or alternating paying makes perfect sense. It also has the benefit of signaling that the woman is not for sale. Getting between my legs is going to cost more than dinner, Fella.

An interesting thing about all this is that the woman must initiate the discussion about date responsibilities. Sadly, if a guy says, “You pay tonight”, women, paradoxically, think he’s being cheap. No, we have to do it because we are weird that way.


  1. I can state without hesitation that, should I be widowed, I will NOT date! Good for our brother, and I hope it works out, but I couldn't do it.

  2. Do I ever agree with you, Martha! I shudder to think of what some of my women friends go through. I married late, so I am perfectly happy with my own company should it come to that.

  3. I'm totally old-fashioned: dig a dude holding the door, opening the door, paying for dates. Dang it, let a man exert himself for me, I'm worth it! Haha...Yeah, it's tricky, but I think part of the point of dating is getting to know folks, seeing what their likes/dislikes are, and deciding whether you can/want to live with them (or not).
    Check Out Mina's Resurrection Blogfest II!

    1. You know, Mina, I totally agree. But that is the trick! Communication. To just fall back on your old assumptions and expectations means you aren't discovering together how your relationship should work. My brother didn't take into account that his date had been an independent woman for the past 10 years who relished finding her own path. He needed to acknowledge that and share why he did what he did. They did finally work it out and married a year ago.

    2. You're right; even an enlightened gal like me catches herself falling back on assumptions about life. So glad your bro and his lady worked things out! I wish them every happiness! :-)