As our oldest son and his wife near time for the birth of
their first child, I wonder about what choices they’ll make as parents. You
read books, you talk to other parents, but nothing really can prepare you for
the out-of-the blue things to decide. Like perpetuating the Santa Claus myth in
your family holiday tradition.
We chose, after our first son was born, truth. I had an easy
transition as a child from the Santa myth to the Santa reality. That was made
easier, I believe, because my earliest memories are of being told that Santa is
the spirit of Christmas giving that we all should emulate. Giving is better
than receiving. It’s the thought that counts not the cost. You know the lines.
DH, on the other hand, had a shocking and upsetting
revelation about the Santa myth. He told me it took him years to get over it.
And for a long time he wondered what else his parents had lied to him about. It
eroded his basic trust in the two people he should always be able to count on.
Wow! That shocked me. In all the things I had been considering
about parenting, it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t do Christmas like my
childhood Christmases. It never came into my consciousness--until he brought it
up. We discussed it, and we decided to opt for honesty from the beginning.
Additionally, being Unitarian Universalists, we didn’t like
all the threatening stuff around the Santa myth. Naughty or nice? List-making
of deserving recipients? Watching you all the time? Yuck. We were trying to give our children a
moral core that said you are good and do good because that’s what people are
supposed to do. You don’t do good to get a reward or for fear of punishment.
Part of being human is making the world a better place because you walked here.
That’s a responsibility you have.
In our holiday celebration we had stockings (and still do)
and “Santa” gifts (unwrapped presents set out with the stockings), but we
always told our kids that the gifts were from us. So give us a list, don’t keep
anything secret. If you don’t tell us, it ain’t happening since there’s no man
in a red suit who can read your mind. To this day, my adult children submit
their lists.
Oh, and did we ever get criticized! “You’re taking all the
joy out of Christmas.” “They need the magic of anticipation.” “Christmas should
be fun.”
Excuse me?
Sure, I wanted the joyful season experience for my kids. And
we got it. Shopping “angel trees” in the mall to get presents for less
fortunate children. Making a gingerbread house each year that had to be
different from any other we had done. Baking cookies and breads and taking them
to neighbors and friends. Inviting friends over to make ornaments, cookies, and
wrap presents for their own families. We had a super holiday each year. But
Santa wasn’t a part of it.
Some families choose the no-Santa-myth route for religious
reasons. Santa is an overblown commercialization of Christmas so far from the
original Saint Nicholas as to unrecognizable. Others choose to go the truth
route like us.
But I had to ask my friends who worried that their children
were doubting the myth why they felt compelled to continue the lie when the
kids had heard/figured out that Santa was not real. Who were they doing it for?
My guess is that most parents who continue the myth beyond the time of ‘fessing
up are doing it for themselves. Why else not just get it over with and back to
the focus for the season?
And for us, having our children know that we would never lie
to them was foundational to how our family functioned, and still does. Trust is
worth so much more than participating in a charade.
And remembering the “reason for the season”, as the saying
goes, was important to us as well. When they were little, and focused on how
birthdays are done, we always had a birthday cake for Christmas dinner and sang
“happy Birthday” ot Jesus. It was, after all, a world-wide birthday
celebration.
What about my kids spilling the beans? Not a problem. I
threatened death if they dared spoil how someone else celebrated the season.
And since I don’t lie, they knew it would happen. (Okay, so maybe a little
lie!) It never got tested. They were true to their word. Must be all that
honesty modeling.
A quick family story:
Youngest son, Chicago, was a strong-willed child. And smart.
He knew precisely the trigger to pull to get me going. One particularly trying
day during the holidays, I was so frustrated I said to this kindergartener, “It’s
a good thing there’s no Santa who gives gifts only to good children. You are
being very naughty, but you’ll get gifts because we love you even when you’re
not being good.” Not my finest moment, I agree, but it was in keeping with
truth-telling.
Have a wonderful holiday everyone with family and friends.
