Fight Right Plight

We all know to fight fair, don’t we?

Dr. Nathan Cobb’s article says that fights between couples need rules as much as any sporting event. “Rules,” he says “provide purpose, safety, structure, and predictability.” Hmm. Maybe we need to send this article to our legislators.

Seriously, though, arguments are unavoidable in healthy, honest relationships. It’s how they are dealt with that can determine whether the relationship remains so. And there’s where the stories lie. As authors we can create numerous scenarios for fair/unfair fighting episodes. One is fair. Neither is fair. Both are fair. Then create variations based on those.

Cobb and others have examined what makes for good fighting and how fighting can deteriorate and never resolve anything. Cobb has nine rules. They are:

1)   No degrading language

2)   No blaming

3)   No yelling

4)   No use of force

5)   No talk of divorce

6)   Define yourself, not your spouse

7)   Stay in the present

8)   Take turns speaking

9)   When necessary, use time outs

Both parties need to agree to the rules. If one doesn’t agree or if one breaks the rules, it’s time to leave the argument. Simply state that when fair fight rules are in place, you’ll be back to start over.

Walking away and not responding is very, very hard. But if you want to fight fair, you have to fight for that state. Don’t let yourself be baited into fighting unfairly yourself. It never works.

In essence, you can boil down these nine Cobb rules to the ones we use in my family:

1)   no personal attacks or physical abuse allowed

2)   keep to the topic of dispute

3)   keep tempers and volume in check

4)   settle it by the time you’re done; it can’t come back up in a later argument

Disputes are inevitable. Feelings can be strong and emotions run high. But only reasonable address will lead to resolution.

Oh, one more thing. Compromise isn’t a four-letter word. And a simple, “I’m sorry” goes a long way in resolving arguments.

How do you resolve disputes with your partner? Please share your tactics in the Comments section.

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