Can You Make Yourself Happy?

I wrote an earlier post in August on happiness that was inspired by a quote on a favorite necklace. The post garnered a lot of page views. I says to me, “Hmm. People must be interested in happiness. I wonder what the research has to say about happiness.”

What does the research say? A recent National Geographic article (November 2017) looked internationally and boiled the results to a sense of pleasure, purpose and pride. When you have those, you tend to be happier. That is consistent with the necklace quote from Gandhi: “Happiness is when what you think and what you say and what you do are in harmony.”

First, let’s look at what the signs of happiness are.

Prevention magazine in the September 21, 2010 issue identified nine aspects/traits associated with feeling joyful. The nine are: you were a smiley student, you have a sister, you’re not glued to the TV, you keep souvenirs on display, you make exercise a priority, you have a healthy love life, you hang with happy people, you stay warm with hot cocoa (or tea or coffee), and you have two best friends.

Hmm. Eight out of nine ain’t bad! I guess what people say about me is true. I manifest signs of being a happy person. And I view myself as a happy person. I’m not too introspective about the why of it. I admit to mostly taking my positivity for granted. And I shouldn’t, I know. So many people are not happy that I need to be more grateful for the situation I’m in that leads me to this happiness state.

I used to drive my father crazy. He was the exact opposite of me in temperament. He never saw the glass as half full OR half empty. He was more likely to say, “What glass? There’s no glass.” Yes, we did argue. A lot. Still my inner happiness shown through despite setbacks and circumstances.

Scientists in the field of positivity include Sonja Lyubormirsky, Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener, Stephehn Post. They have found that your actions have a significant effect on your states of satisfaction and happiness. An article in Yes! Magazine summarized their findings. Here are those ten things that science says make us happy:

1)   Savor everyday moments.

2)   Avoid comparisons.

3)   Put money low on the list.

4)   Have meaningful goals. (strive for significance)

5)   Take initiative at work. (express creativity, help others)

6)   Make friends, treasure family.

7)   Smile—even when you don’t feel like it. (fake it ‘til you make it)

8)   Say thank you like you mean it.

9)   Get out and exercise.

10) Give it away. (money, time, goods and services)

There is not one thing on that list that we cannot do on a regular basis. If these are the components of happiness, then simply set about to change your habits in areas where you fall short. You can be in control of your happiness level says scientific research.

In another happiness study reported by Dr. Axe, “What Makes Us Happy and Healthy?”,

the Harvard Happiness Study found that “good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period.” Simply put: social connections matter, the quality of relationships is more important than the quantity, and good relationships protect our brains.

In Albert Ellis’ study of happiness he debunked the idea that happiness stems from external circumstances like losing weight or having more money. He found that happiness was highly correlated with sleep quality and depression proneness.

And the old saw that money can’t buy happiness? A study by a couple of economists called that into question. In fact, international findings were that those with the most income in countries reported the highest levels of satisfaction. Doubling income doubled satisfaction whether it was from $1000 to $2000 or from $10,000 to $20,000. Their study could be used to make a case for income redistribution!

Nevertheless, making more money isn’t feasible for all of us. But, other findings from research scientists tell us we can become happier. Implement their findings. Just do it!

One of my favorite gifts to give those struggling with life is Dr. Barbara Frederickson’s book, Positivity. She explains her research into how to change your brain—literally restructure the brain--so you can become more positive about life with her discovered 3-1 ratio of actions.

Do you know the Pharrell Williams song, “Happy”? That’s kind of me. I do know what makes me and keeps me happy. Do you know your happiness triggers? Share them below in the comments.

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Meditation Readings

Part of what makes us functional human beings in healthy relationships is being mentally healthy ourselves. For me, and many others, that includes meditation as a way to get in touch with my inner being. My essence. My core.

My on-line dictionary defines meditation as:

a written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject

I admit to a flaw that some meditationists (Is that a real word?) might call me on. I’ve never gotten to the point where I can still my mind enough, to make it blank, so that I reach deep for self-awareness. I cannot sit and think of nothing.

I know. I know. It takes practice to still the mind and just “be.” Call me impatient. Call me a meditation dilettante. But I am not willing to put in the work. Sorry, purists. But as Frank said, I’ll do it my way.

For me, morning reading meditations work best. I read, reflect, and apply to my life and what’s happening around me. Much as people who read the Bible daily do.

But my readings are varied and from several sources. I sometimes open up a book and read from what appears. Other times I go through a book in order. Some days I read the table of contents and pick the topic that appeals. It depends upon my mood.

The people I read are smart folk. Pithy points fall from their pens to the page. I just love coming across quotable, relevant ideas. I often read some of them to DH. That leads to conversation which typically deepens my understanding.

My newest source is Meditations for the Humanist: Ethics for a Secular Age by A.C. Grayling. On his book jacket he tells us that he wants to stimulate thinking on “the problems and possibilities of being human.” Indeed, this book does that and more.

This thoughtful collection of sixty-one short essays, each presaged by an appropriate quote, is organized into three parts: Virtues and Attributes, Foes and Fallacies, and Amenities and Goods.

Under Foes and Fallacies, the first two-plus pages entry is “Nationalism.” The quote at the beginnins is from Erich Fromm: “Nationalism is our form of incest, it is our idolatry, our insanity. ‘Patriotism’ is its cult.” Isn’t that a whiz bang way to begin an essay? Erich Fromm studied demagogues (Hitler and Stalin) and coined the term “malignant narcissist” for them that I see making its way into today’s news. The first sentence of this essay is, “Nationalism is an evil. It causes wars, its roots lie in xenophobia and racism . . .  In his essay, Grayling’s perspective is that nationalism is short-sighted and dangerous for the health of democracy. Much food for thought in light of current events.

Under the category Virtues and Attributes, in the essay “Death”, Grayling states that to the dead person, to be dead is indistinguishable from being unborn or in a deep sleep. It is others who mourn that death really matters. If death cuts short pain and suffering, then it is good; if death cuts short a life of promise and hope, then we view it as not good. He states that. “If we base our understanding of death on evidence rather than fear or desire, we are bound to accept it as a two-fold natural process: the cessation of bodily functions [and] . . . the body’s dispersion into its physical elements.”  He also says, as a true humanist and naturalist, “Hopes for an afterlife are, in fact, a sad reflection on, and a condemnation of, the facts of this life.”

The essay from the third part, Amenities and Goods, that I’d like to share with you is “Peace.” Livy’s quote opens the essay: “Peace is better and safer than hopes of victory.” Grayling’s first paragraph of the four in the essay states: “Peace is the condition required for education, and the arts, and the formation of human relationships. . . Peace gives a society time for reflection, which is where most good things have their start.” But the essay isn’t merely about societal or national peace. As he says, “Personal peace thus mirrors social peace in having both external and internal aspects.”

Did I enjoy every essay equally? Of course not. Some topics are more relevant to me. Grayling’s tone varies from piece to piece. Sometimes biting, sometimes reassuring, but always contemplative. I highly recommend adding this to your reading list.

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Intersectionality and Why It Matters

Have you seen the term “intersectionality” floating around cyberspace? It seems to be popping up, for me, in many areas.

My online dictionary defines the term as:

The interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage: through an awareness of intersectionality, we can better acknowledge and ground the differences among us.

As I read it, intersectionality goes beyond the common definition of identity by understanding the political implications underlying who you are, not just who you identify as. The phrase “creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage” casts a negative shadow over “intersectionality” that doesn’t necessarily apply to “identity.”

For example, my husband climbs and clambers around in the canyons and mountains when he can. He climbs mountains, but he doesn’t identify as a “mountain climber.” He will say he is a hiker. He is a white male in his 70s who had a successful career in education and remains somewhat active in his field still. All of these are identities that he’ll claim.

In terms of his intersectionality, he’d be categorized as a straight white male middle class senior citizen. He is like a part of Venn Diagram, sharing characteristics with some of his acquaintances but differing from them on other aspects. The only one of his characteristics subject to the “discrimination and disadvantage” of the definition is, possibly, senior citizen.

But, honestly, he knows he enjoys white privilege and straight privilege. Just as he knows that the majority of other senior citizens face discrimination and disadvantage on a regular basis for a variety of intersectionality aspects.

But why does the term intersectionality have to have negative implications? Why can’t the term be a neutral one that simply defines who each of us is? Whether we face discrimination or disadvantage doesn’t obviate that we are, each of us, of a gender, race, and SES level. Realizing we are all intersectional can bring us closer by seeing our shared characteristics.

Recognizing our commonalities should help us to tear down more of the separation barriers just as mixing black and white children in schools led to bonds forged that never could have happened before integration. Did discrimination disappear? No. Did everyone stop hating? No. But they are lessened because familiarity need not breed contempt. Familiarity can breed respect and civility. Interracial marriages, while still not the norm, do happen and they are no longer illegal. Gay and lesbian couples can adopt children in many states. Things are better. Not great, but we are not regularly lynching people with impunity these days.

Having said that, the state of equality that is the American ideal is still on the horizon. Perhaps when we embrace intersectionality as describing who we are, in all our aspects, we can come to see how we are all more alike than different.

I share commonalities with older, middle class, straight women. With mothers. With grandmothers. With educators. With writers. With the overweight. With . . . well, you get the idea.

If we broaden the discussion around intersectionality beyond race, gender, and SES, I think we can forge new respect, understanding, and support for all God’s children. God doesn’t make mistakes. ALL God’s children should see their connections to one another.

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It's Not the Statues, Stupid

In a blog about relationships, I’d be remiss not to address the biggest relationship issue in today’s America. What is happening? Civil discourse seems to be an oxymoron in much of our discussions about politics, ethics, morality, religion, and social issues of various stripes. And I’m talking about both sides and even the middle.

How has it happened that we no longer assume good intentions (until shown otherwise)? Two Arizona Senators have been in the news lately making the plea for civility and respect in American politics.

Jeff Flake took Barry Goldwater’s 1960 title, Conscience of a Conservative, and gave it his own twist with this subtitle: A Rejection of Destructive Politics and a Return to Principle. That is a powerful statement for our times. But what is he doing beyond writing a book about bridging the gulf?

John McCain returned after brain surgery and gave an impassioned speech to the Senate urging them to working toward common goals, find common ground, and create bipartisan solutions to the problems we face. And then he voted for a bill that violated all that he said he wanted. So where does that leave me in my respect for his speech and intentions?

When did “compromise” become a four-letter word? Ben Franklin realized that the future of the Constitution was at risk. He urged delegates to compromise and to sacrifice, not their principles, but their overwhelming need to be right. And that’s what I see happening today.

We are finding more ways to divide us than to bring us together. Division opens the door for despots to exploit our cracks. It is not overly dramatic to say that our republic, the finest governmental experiment in history, is at risk. And all because we cannot find common ground. Intransigence of our leaders is a threat to our country that might be even greater than outside forces.

The Founding Fathers had to compromise, on very hard issues, or we would not have the Constitution or a United States of America. Surely the issues confronting us today are not harder than the ones they faced in the creation of a new form of government. So why can’t our legislators, and even the common folk, follow the example of these Originalists who knew that compromise was hard but necessary?

The statues controversies are a smoke screen for much deeper issues that require resolution. If all the statues were gone, bigotry, racism, discrimination, and hate speech would, sadly, remain. It’s not the statues or monuments. It’s peoples’ hearts.

During the early days of school integration, I watched the images on TV of a nation struggling with inequality and unreasoning hatred. I said to my father something like, “It’s good they’re letting kids go to the school they want.” My father’s response was, “You can’t legislate peoples’ hearts.” He was against forcing integration and didn’t think it would ever work.

I am a Unitarian Universalist. Our first principle is that we “affirm the inherent worth and dignity of every person.” Don’t most religions believe that? How can one say heesh is Christian (for example) and go out and burn a Black church or synagogue? What if people actually believed the creeds they say in their religious setting instead of mindlessly repeating them? Would bullying stop if people lived their religion instead of using it as a shield?

What if our legislators looked to the common good instead of the bribes from corporations that keep them in office? What if compromise on hard issues were seen as a sign of strength, not weakness? What if compromise were to be elevated again to the status of statesmanship?

Let me leave you with a couple of more quotes on compromise:

“Fight as hard as you can, and then understand there’s going to have to be some amount of reasonable compromise.”   ~Andrew Cuomo

“Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.”  ~Jane Wells

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