Mothers and Daughters: R.I.P., Mother

Betty Lorene Lawson Arthur passed away last Sunday, September 7, 2014. The death certificate will say Monday because that’s the day she was found, and no autopsy was performed. Natural causes, it was ruled. And I’m sure it was, but I would have liked closure on why. For my own medical history. For some idea of what her last moments must have been like.

At 87 and a half years, exactly, she survived longer than the average American woman. Longer than her husband. Longer than her four brothers and one sister. She was the last of her generation’s immediate family group. She knew she was next, and she was okay with the inevitability.

She wasn’t a perfect mother, and I was FAR from the perfect daughter, but we had an indestructible bond. The mother-daughter relationship is far stronger than mere blood would expect. We share with our mothers the first menstrual cycle and its incumbent fears and expectations. We know the childbirth pains she experienced when birthing us. We share the never-ending fear that something awful will happen to our children. Those are bonds no son can know. It is the Sisterhood. The Red Tent.

Mother carried around the psychological wounds of her childhood. And sometimes those wounds caused her to act in ways, make decisions that I disagreed with. And we argued. Oh, my how we argued. But the absolute, complete, love underneath was the firm foundation we always settled on after some contretemps or another.

Her story is one I’ve tried to novelize in my incomplete draft, Grassy Crick Holler. I think I need to go back to that story for closure and as a tribute. It is the very least I can do.

She was a coal miner’s daughter. Really. In West Virginia. Her stories of those mining towns and the fear when the bell rang signaling tragegy in the mine, was part of the fabric of my childhood.

When she was 5, her mother died at age 28 of pneumonia after giving birth to her latest son. Jack was seventeen days old when Grandma died. Grandpa was left with five children, no child care, no money for child care. He allowed Uncle Jackie to be adopted by a wonderful woman. The rest of the family were briefly scattered to live among various relatives, and then reunited when Grandpa married “the first Lilly”.

She purportedly took good care of the kids, but I guess, as Mother told the story, these were very hard depression times in a state that never was rich. Grandpa worked nights in the mine, and so did Lilly to supplement the family income. Mother tells of accompanying Lilly to her rendezvouses down by the rail tracks. She was told to stay by the tracks while Lilly went off to conduct business. At least she didn’t leave Mother home alone, right?

Grandpa divorced “the first Lilly” when he found out. Kids scattered again among family. But those families were struggling, too, and my mother ended up in the orphanage and then was farmed out to different families over the years or returned to the orphanage when families didn’t want her or she couldn’t live with them. Imagine the number that would do on your psyche.

She married my father at age 17, still in ninth grade because she had such erratic schooling. She didn’t go to school for the first time or learn to read until she was 8. I know she saw marriage to Daddy as her ticket to a better, more stable life. And it was. He died almost two years ago at age 92 after their marriage of 68 years.

As a kid, I remember how she wanted to be open to anything we wanted to know. Because she had no one to explain menstruation to her, when she got her first period, she thought she was dying. She hurt and she was bleeding. And she didn’t know how to tell this latest foster mother. She was beyond scared. She told me that she swore she would never have her children wondering about their bodies.

At a time when my friends’ mothers were reticent to talk about the female body and human sexuality, my mother was eager. If she didn’t know, she’d pull out this aged medical dictionary she had, and we’d read it together to see if we could find the answer. Unsurprisingly, my friends would hang out at our house so they could ask Mother questions they couldn’t ask at home.

Also, I credit my lack of sexual inhibition--I, quite simply, don’t have any hang-ups-- to living on a farm where reproduction just is what goes on and to my parents clear sexual connection to one another. I thought everybody necked in front of their kids!

Despite numerous and very serious health issues over the years, she was doing so well living on her own in her own home still. Iowa has a wonderful aging-in-place model of support for seniors. My brother looked in on her. People came to clean, walk with her, set up her pills, and so on. The latest was that she was planning her new adventure. She was moving to Denver to live in an apartment near my sister. She was so excited and so looking forward to this new phase of her life.

When she died in her chair Sunday, quite peacefully, likely from her on-going heart issues, she had just made her famous Mexican Cornbread and had the fixings on the counter for cherry pie. We think she sat to rest, and then went to sleep forever. That’s the way to go. Kisses, Mother!

The Indie Revolution

I LOVE books—the feel, the smell, the look of them. So when I put a Kindle on my Christmas list a few years ago, it surprised me as much as anyone. I’m not much of a gadgets guy (well, except for kitchen gadgets), so the desire to own this little electronic reader had to go back to Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise. Well, and the memory of lugging two huge satchels of books away with me for the summer.

When I first saw Captain Picard’s electronic reader, this is well before Kindle, Nook, etc., I was impressed that a whole library could be on his hand-held device, and I knew that this was an invention from the future that could be mine. I knew someone would create it for me. And they did. And others did. And more others will take them to the next level.

But for me to publish an e-book instead of or before a printed book? Well, I just wasn’t so sure I wanted to do that. There IS something about holding your book in your hands. I needed to be won over. Talking with e-book authors and publishers has helped. 

I went the traditional route for my first two books (and their sequels). I am currently published (e-books and print books) with two small presses. I put up no money and get royalties. It is the wimp’s way out. No hassles for me, and I feel I am a “legitimate” author. I am not so sure, for me, that going indie will beat back my insecurities.

First, one has to get past the old vanity press notions that dog us. Sadly, indie e-books--rightly or wrongly--are linked to so many poor quality books that going indie still carries the taint of “you couldn’t make it traditionally.” 

Digital publishing makes it so much easier for authors to publish. Publishing your work can be accomplished through royalty-paying publishers who review your book.  It can also be done on your own through sites like Smashwords, Lulu, and Create Space.  There are both “supported publishing” sites and there are opportunities to do each book on your own.

When traditionally published, you get a royalty rate, pay no upfront money, and may see both e-book and print copies of your book. They pick the cover, they arrange the copyright (sometimes), and they provide editing services and will format your book for digital release.
When publishing on your own, you must do two things: pay to have your book professionally edited and pay to have an original cover designed. Both are critical to keeping up the quality of e-book and print books. Don’t rely on the stock covers various sites provide or you might be sharing a cover with another author’s book. 

Additionally, indie authors arrange for copyright and use provided templates to format your e-book or print book for publication. Still, after you pay the fees, you own your book with all rights and you get all the royalties after paying some site fees.

In both cases, as all authors have learned over the last few years, marketing is Job One for you. Publishers, digital or print, do little. So, some argue, why split your money with traditional publishers? Go Indie!

Since I have a couple of books I cannot find homes for with traditional publishers, I am trying to get brave enough to go Indie! But I still need some handholding.

Six Feet Under and Cautionary Lessons for Writers

DH and I are always behind the rest of the world when it comes to viewing popular TV series and movies. We watch little live television (and that is mostly sports) and go to fewer movies. So there you have it. For our limited series viewing time, we watch DVDs and more recently streamed stories.

That explains why we were the last on the block to enjoy “The Sopranos”. We were more current viewing “Breaking Bad”, but we were always a year or more behind since we had to wait for the DVD release. Do you know how hard it is to avoid articles about the ending of such a popular show? I made a page of links so we could read them after we viewed the last season. Whew! What a pain!

We began “Six Feet Under” with very high expectations. After all, we had loved the later series, “Dexter”, with Michael C. Hall who was part of the ensemble cast for “Six Feet Under”.

Our expectations were well-deserved for that first season. What a quirky premise. Set an emotionally distant and dysfunctional family in a funeral home and see how each copes with life’s vagaries. For side servings, run through different casket-eers each week.

Of course, first thing we noted were similarities to the Dexter opening credits stuff like all the blood, dead bodies displayed, and knives featured. Okay.

Then there was the ghost dad who appeared and guided each family member like, yet not like, Harry in “Dexter.” Okay.

Even with similarities, we thoroughly got into the characters and stories. Some characters were more likeable than others, but that is standard fare for stories. Writers want to show growth and how crises affect the core of a person.

Second season had more convoluted plot lines and fewer satisfying resolutions. Some characters began to wear.

During season three we almost abandoned the series. Had we not already purchased the videos for the entire series, I think we would have. Will Nate EVER grow up? Will Brenda always be so self-absorbed and selfish? Get a life, Ruth! Stop being a whiny brat, Clair. And, David! Who are you???

We are finishing season four this week. One more season to go. While season four is better than season three (how not?), it is still not as compelling as we like our shows to be. There is little complexity to the characters. We just don’t care so much whether they figure out their lives. How sad is that? But I think I figured out why.

It is common for series to have multiple writers and directors, but I am wondering if this show has an above-average number of writers and directors. I think Alan Ball’s series got hijacked by using so many different folks.

But whose fault is that? He is the creative brain behind this series. It is his job to keep control, to exert focus, to keep story lines plausible, interesting, and consistent. Or if not always consistent--because, let’s face it, humans aren’t very consistent--so if not consistent, make the plot point plausible in its inconsistency.

When Rico demanded money from the Fisher’s to buy a house, I was like, Whoa! Where did that come from? Never a hint before that that he felt entitled. When Ruth started sleeping around and even pursuing men who were just nice to her, you wondered how that reconciled with this uptight lady who dressed as if she were 30 years older. And there was more. Too much more.

Authors, keep control of your story and your characters. Don’t go off after every bright and shiny object you see dangling. Just because you COULD make a happily married man unfaithful, what’s the point in the bigger picture? Do you really want to make the teen so disaffected there is nothing sympathetic about her to anchor her character? Just sayin’.

On a positive note, season four did end with a literal and several figurative bangs. But I will be watching them alone. DH opted out. He told me to recap once I finish season five, the final season. Sigh. That’s just a shame.

Making Color Wheel Relationships Work

All colors are the friends of their neighbors and the lovers of their opposites.

-Marc Chagall

I have always been struck by Chagall’s work. He touches me deep in my soul. I resonate to the richness of his palate and the magnitude of his vision. Have you seen his mosaics in downtown Chicago? Amazing! 

When I happened across this quote somewhere, it too struck a chord. Of course, on the surface the quote is about the color wheel we all learned about in school. Shades can be together in a room thus blues, purples, greens—they all harmonize. But for energy, we put red and green together, opposites on the color wheel, and magic happens.
Not to get too political, but it’s the season, eh? 

Politically, I fear that we are in for more of the same bitterness and divisiveness that has dominated both Arizona and national politics for too many years. Why can’t we all just get along? As an educator, I couldn’t choose not to teach certain children because they were unlike me. I couldn’t choose to disregard the opinions of other teachers who disagreed with me. We all had to work together, because it was about the children. Not about me. Not about you. Not about a philosophy. We came together around a common goal and found common ground so we could move forward. 

The issues confronting our states and nation are mammoth. So call me naïve, but isn’t it the legislators’ job to solve the problems not focus on how they can begin campaigning now for the next election? Do the work you are being paid for, and do it not because of the pay, but do the work because anything else should be unacceptable. Legislators, find common ground and the solutions we desperately need to get out of this mess. Be the red and green and make magic happen.

Compromise is not a four-letter word! 

Benjamin Franklin said, “Compromisers may not make great heroes, but they do make great democracies.” Yep! 

Considering the Chagall quote in writing terms, think of how the quest for this quote could be the theme of your next novel. People similar to one another get along just great, but the opposites-attract scenarios spice up the action. It is one thing to tolerate one so different from you. To love that person, well, that takes some work. Think of the plot points you can exploit! Write away, Reader!

Why People Cheat and How to Use That in Your Novel

I came across an intriguing article that spurred my plot-line thinking. “An Expert Look at Why People Cheat” (http://bit.ly/1sqLGy3) got my attention because of the relationship Carrie and Harlan share in my erotic romance series. In Streetwalker, Carrie senses something is off with Harlan’s sexual appetite and his continual search for more and different sexual experiences. His sexual behaviors make it very difficult for him to commit to a monogamous relationship with Carrie, even though he wants it. In Sex for Sale, book two, more is revealed about Harlan’s condition and the two seek help in dealing with it.

But, back to the article, in situations where there is not a medical condition, what makes people stray? Why do they cheat even when they know they’ll be caught? Can’t you see how you could build a great plot line and interesting characters with that information?

In the interview with Dr. Gilda Carle, she shares the research on cheaters and addresses issues like what qualifies as cheating, what are the signs of cheating, how do cheaters justify their behavior, rebuilding trust after cheating, can cheaters change, and more.

So to extend the information into our own books, let’s take a look at some of these elements.

The signs of a cheating partner include taking more care with personal appearance, regularly makes excuses for being late or not showing up at all, and stops listening to you. Probably your gut knows before you do.

Of course, not everyone with excuses is a cheater. We would hope attention to personal appearance is for your benefit. But, if flags go up, the partner should be attentive. In a book this can look like an ordinary-looking paranoid wife expecting her gorgeous husband to stray. She drives the wedge because of her unjustified jealousy. Or he slowly begins to notice that she is absent a lot and when he calls her cell, she doesn’t answer. He wonders if she is faithful. Lots of ways a writer can go with suspicion, paranoia, and found evidence.

Cheaters may not feel guilty at all because they rationalize and justify their behavior.

In your book, the protagonist is feeling neglected by a workaholic boyfriend. One of her co-workers is sympathetic and gets her to go out with a group to form her own life and associations. If the boyfriend isn’t available, don’t sit around waiting for him. Develop other interests and friends. Of course, this has the potential for meeting another lonely guy who girlfriend travels a lot. See where it’s going?

What qualifies as cheating?

Any behavior that splits your time, attention, and/or affection is cheating. So imagine a guy whose wife goes to bed early, but he’s a night owl. He finds some dating sites and decides to play around using a pseudonym--just for fun, he tells himself. Then he happens on a high school friend on the site. She was a queen, back in the day, but appears to have had a rocky time with relationships since high school. They connect. Wife finds out. Hubs claims nothing happened, nothing will happen, just re-connecting. But he spends more and more time on the computer with his friend neglecting communication and time with his wife.

“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is not necessarily true.

People can and do change. A book premise might be that she really wants to change but he doesn’t believe her. Another is that he doesn’t want to change but he wants her to believe he does so he can have it both ways. A third premise is that she doesn’t want to change but he really wants her to so he goes to extreme measures to help her change. See how each story line and the concomitant characters will be very different?

I could go on, but I think I made my point. Click on those Internet articles and quizzes and then let your mind play, “What if …”.

Life and Romance Quotes

I collect romance quotes. They are revelatory of life’s vagaries and pathways. As a writer, I use these quotes in a number of ways. One way is to sprinkle them into tweets for @RomanceRighter. People like quotes and retweet them a lot.

There are life lessons in some of these quotes I interweave in character development or plot points. Imagine this quote by Erica Jong being used to define who a character is at heart:

“If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

Is she too timid to take risks? Was she affected by failure when she last risked something? Should one take risks? In taking risks, what are the factors to consider?

Some of the quotes can be the basis for plotting. Take the first quote below:

“Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Imagine a story whose mother has long apron strings. She could have an approach-avoidance or passive-aggressive relationships with family and friends. What secrets does she hide about herself and others as she protects the family?

See how that works for writers? But you know what, I just plain enjoy the sentiments, too, whether the engender tears or laughter.

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need.  ~Margaret Mead

If you want to feel rich, just count the things that money can’t buy. ~Proverb

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.  ~Swedish Proverb

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand.  ~Emily Kimbrough

If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. ~Erica Jong

Don't smother each other.  No one can grow in the shade.  ~Leo Buscaglia

For lack of an occasional expression of love, a relationship strong at the seams can wear thin in the middle.  ~Robert Brault

Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.  ~Robert Brault

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.  ~Henry Winkler

"Life is like a moustache. It can be wonderful or terrible. But it always tickles."   ~Nora Roberts

I like her because she smiles at me and means it.  ~Anonymous

Hope is a waking dream. ~Aristotle

Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.  ~Miles Franklin

In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.  ~Robert Brault

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.  ~Frederick Buechner

Present your family and friends with their eulogies now - they won't be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin.  ~Anonymous

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  "Pooh!" he whispered.  "Yes, Piglet?"  "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.  "I just wanted to be sure of you."  ~A.A. Milne

I felt it shelter to speak to you.  ~Emily Dickinson

Are we not like two volumes of one book?  ~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.  ~Dinah Shore

Lust is easy.  Love is hard.  Like is most important.  ~Carl Reiner

Basically, the only thing we need is a hand that rests on our own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides us.  ~Hector Bianciotti
 

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.  ~Marcel Proust

When something is missing in your life, it usually turns out to be someone.  ~Robert Brault

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.  ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.  ~Flavia Weedn

No road is long with good company.  ~Turkish Proverb

If fame were based on kindness instead of popularity, on understanding and not on worldwide attention, you would be the biggest celebrity on earth.  And to my heart, you already are. 

Are there particular relationship quotes you remember, quotes that resonate with your life? Share some in the comments section.

Date Night

If you’ve been following me here, you know that I read lots of those Internet articles and magazine features on relationship flaws, successes, and pitfalls. Love ‘em!

One recurring theme is that you have to keep a relationship fresh. Yeah. After 30+ years of marriage. Yeah. Got it! Does a different lunch menu every day count? Well, it might for some.

You see, DH made his own lunch for decades. He packed a luncheon meat turkey sandwich, chips, grapes, and a couple of cookies. When he retired, and thus was home for lunch, I told him to get over it. We weren’t going to eat sandwiches every day, with or without processed meat. If he didn’t like it, he could continue to make his own lunch. He ceded to me. Now we’ll have soup or quiche or taco salad or something else. Never the same lunch twice in a row. BORING! So that ought to count for keeping the relationship vital, fresh. Right?

I’ve never seen lunch variety in the list of how to keep love alive, but, hey, why not? There are so many ways to show love. The way to a man’s heart blah blah blah.

Oh, I do other stuff, too. No showing up in Saran Wrap at the door (not the way this body has spread out all over God’s green Earth), but I do keep it snappy in other ways. Like putting in a mysterious notation in his appointment book. (On the patio, 6:30) Or sending him a “just because” card from Bluemountain.com.

 But I think the most successful way of reconnecting is our date nights. We don’t have it regularly scheduled like some do, which means some weeks we have two date nights and some months we only have two date nights. That doesn’t seem to matter.

I think date nights are successful for a few of reasons:

1)   We plan them together so there is time spent in anticipation as well as the time together on date night.

2)   Date nights encourage best behaviors. We would never argue on date night. It’s light, bright, and happy.

3)   Date nights get us to try new venues, experiences, and therefore create new topics of conversation.

4)   We dress differently so we think differently. Clothes do add a dimension to an experience whether fancy dress for the opera or swim suits for scuba diving.

5)   And “date nights” don’t have to be at night to count as a date!

As a teen, anticipating dating and looking at my parents’ times together, I wondered how in the world I could sustain conversation for the several hours a date lasted, never mind years and years of marriage. Whatever could one find to talk about after so much time together? Don’t you just love how concrete and naïve young daters are?

Conversation is not at all a problem, I discovered, with the right guy at the right time. Date night or not, time with my fella is a treasure I value over all else. But I do love date nights.